Happiness

I have always said that you are the only one that can make you happy! We shouldn't depend on others to make us happy. That is our one and only job we have in the whole wide world. So, why can't I be happy at work? Why can't I make myself happy there?
I received my newest issue of Yoga Journal and it contained an article that is making me question my feelings. I know, that is a scary concept. Anyway, the article basically explained that we as people tend to blame others for the way we feel instead of owning up to the feelings ourselves. There is a lot more to the article and I really need to read it again and pay more attention in order for me to try to explain it to you..... but ever since reading that article I have been questioning myself about my feelings that I have while I am at work.
Why does Julia make me so angry? My first response would be: Because she sucks at her job! Followed by: She is always on the internet, phone or a break! She always has some sort of family drama taking place which totally distracts her from her work or other people from their work because she has to talk to them about her problems! But then why do I care that she doesn't have the best job performance? And my first response to that would be: Because what she can't get done gets trickled down to me and I have to do both her job and mine. Followed by: And when she can't handle her job and starts to get buried, I feel that all eyes turn to me like it is my responsibility to bail her out because I don't have a full workbench and I "should" have time. Or, I am so efficient I can handle both workloads.
So, here is where my new line of thinking comes into play. In my above paragraph I am "blaming" Julia for my anger when I should be asking myself, What is the real reason she makes me so angry, the reason that I don't really want to admit to myself or others? Wow, well here it goes....................
I have never thought highly of people who are dependent on others and this girl screams nothing but dependency! Which is one reason why I try to be the most independent person in the world. I think I hate seeing the attention and coddling that she receives from her "poor me" syndrome. I think I hate it because at work, she has been the center of attention for quite some time now. I never thought I needed or even liked being the center person and perhaps that isn't it either. It is an importance thing. I don't feel like people think I am important and a valuable asset to this job. Everyone around me is too busy poo-poo'ing Julia to notice her aforementioned inadequateness, or they notice but don't want to deal with the situations and so they don't really notice the job that I am doing.

Help

Help. I need some serious help! I don't know how people can stay in the same job for years on end without going crazy? I have been with the same company for 10 years now and have had only one major change and I needed it. I think I need another one.
Today I went to a "self-help" session provided by the company. They were titled Team Meetings and this first session (of 3) was subtitled Postitive Team and Work Relations. I decided to attend because my work relations are feeling strained to me. I am sure my coworkers feel and sense my discomfort or shall we say, my unhappiness. How could they not?
I don't think I learned anything that I didn't already know. I told myself 5 years ago when I was going through these same feelings that I am the only one who can make myself happy and to go to work and do the best job I can and not worry about what others may or may NOT do. The speaker pretty much said the same thing. You can't control other peoples actions but you can control your own, is how he put it.
He also pointed out that when speaking to people, body language says a lot, not to mention the intonations of your voice. And not to ASS U ME the interpretation of said body language or lilt of ones' voice. When I speak to my coworkers I have been trying to have the most neutral facial expressions that I can conjure and or I turn my back to them and put a "smile" in my voice so they can't see my face. (Now I know why I do that.) Or when I am speaking or if someone is speaking to me, I try to stop what I am doing and I try to give them my undivided attention. Unfortunately, I have extreme difficulty bringing myself to ask those pleasantry questions in response to what people may be saying. Most of the time I don't know how to respond or how to make small talk, I am sure they read my supossed neutral facial expressions as "Mendi is such a cold bitch! She just hates me, I know it."
So, I called a friend of mine complaining (again) of my coworkers and I asked her "Why is my work ethic so much greater than my coworker's?" Her response was "That is your perception! They may perceive that their work ethic is just as high or higher than yours." I feel as tho my work ethic is on top of Mt. Everest and my coworkers is on Mt. Rose. It is only my perception.
She then suggested that I formally document exactly what, when, why, who, and how many........... I can't do that, I would feel like I am a tattle-tale and my thoughts and time would be consumed with that. Plus, I shouldn't have to tell my supervisors that so-and-so isn't doing their job. I have already aired my complaints once and even possibly more than once, I feel they should be noticing it themselves but they aren't because: A-they are too busy with their own work to be noticing that someone is on the internet shopping for their next vacation while slides need to be read or on the phone with a personal phone call when cultures need to be set-up; or B-they don't want to or don't know how to tell someone they are at work and work comes before filling out a loan application for your daughter or bailing your husband out of jail (One reason why I am not a supervisor-I wouldn't want to deal with that kind of shit.) Perhaps they do notice those things and it is just that nothing gets done about it or something is done about it and it isn't my business to know what the "punishment" was. But if that was the case then I shouldn't be complaining because it shouldn't still be happening.
Then she suggested that I give them a chance to see the error of their ways by waiting for them to notice that something needs to be done or simply to just ask them to do the work that is waiting. How do you tactfully tell someone that you think that the days worth of Gram stains should be read before their email? When you walk in the door hours after everyone else and your coworker tells you that she is done with her work, how do you tactfully tell her that O&P's could be read. How do you tactfully tell someone that they left a culture half way set-up to walk around the counter to gossip or visit with another coworker? How do you tell your coworker to "tell someone in charge" when she complains about how that gossipy coworker won't leave her alone? How do you tactfully tell someone who is hiding in the next room talking on her cell phone that she has work to do? How do you tactfully tell your supervisors that at least once a week someone leaves early and I am pissed because my job description says I am to be here until 1130 at night and I work alone, meaning I don't have someone to dump my work on. How do you tactfully ask your coworker that is related to your other coworker and helped her get the job to discipline her when she is witnessing the internet use with work sitting right in front of her or witnessing her excessive personal calls?
Have you seen that commercial where there is a guy in his cubicle with all of his SquareBob Spongepants watches splayed out in front of him and another worker walks by and says "Which one says you are a idiot wasting company time?" How do you say THAT tactfully? I think that is part 2 of the Team Meetings, Communications for difficult situations. Count me in, I am there. I told you I need help.