Good Grief?

My first day back at work after my mother's death. I hate having to tell the "story" while my coworkers look at me with sad and droopy eyes, almost as if they are waiting for me to break down in tears. I try meet their expectations and I launch into some sordid detail about this whole experience of mine. They only nod their heads maintaining that look.

I did my crying. I did it in private. One of my sisters' asked not 48 hours after my mother's death, if I was done mourning. "I don't think the mourning ever stops" I told her.

Then she proceeded to berate me because I wasn't publicly displaying my feelings (or so this was my impression/interpretation of her tone, the berating), I wasn't crying uncontrollably in my mother's home while her friends paraded through to express their condolences.

Everyone grieves in their own way. Is there a right way to grieve? I think about if it were my husband, how would I react? Much the same? More debilitated? I think more debilitated, so does this make me a horrible daughter? Did I not love my mother as much others love theirs?

Really, my mother was a very kind and giving woman. But she was also mean as hell!! Which makes it easier to remember the bad about her. I loved my mom, but I hated her too. Perhaps, the reality of this will hit me at some unexpecting moment and I will grieve as I am expect to?

Back Again

Okey Doke,

I have returned to the technologically inclined world. I was away on a business trip where I was without access to a computer! Well, if I carried a laptop with me I could have purchased internet access in my hotel room for 10$ a day! Highway robbery if you ask me. First, I don't have a laptop and if I did I would not pay that. High speed internet access is relatively cheap here in the United States and for the hotel chain to charge that much is outrageous.

Anyway, that is my excuse for not holding up to my New Year's Resolution of writing 3-4 times a week, small hiatus for me. I am back, I will write, I may falter......

Left Field

Déjà vu? Or physic powers? Most likely physic powers, the term déjà vu is French and means, literally, "already seen." Those who have experienced the feeling describe it as an overwhelming sense of familiarity with something that shouldn't be familiar at all.

I think that I have some physic powers. Last week when I received "the call" I didn't really know how serious it really was. As the week progressed, there was a set back of recovery with my mother's health. I looked into flying to see her, but in the end did not go because of reassurance by my mother herself, her doctor, and my father.

Plans were made to go out tonight, I really didn't want to go and thought of the possibility of this happening so that I wouldn't have to. I feel like I wished it to happen so that I wouldn't have to be a schmuk and renig on my commitment. This, I think, is my first "sight". My second, is last night's blog when I said:


"Life (or is it death) just gets in the way."

Should'a---- could'a--- would'a,
but I didn't!

This call was unexpected and came out of left field. I love you, Mom and I will miss you.

Old Habits

Old habits die hard. Is that the saying? It is only the 3rd week of January and I am slipping! Life (or is it death) just gets in the way! I am on a timer, I am baking muffins and instead of watching the clock tick down I thought I would use this time to blog. I need a coach, like my swimming coaches that have been in my life. They watched over me to guide me through my swimming carreer. I need a creative coach a writing coach, a blogging coach, someone, anyone to stand over me with a ruler in hand to wack me when my fingers stop typing or when I don't even log on to blog.....



THAWAAACK!!

Gotta think of that timer as my pace clock on the pool deck.

Growing Old

Well,
I got the phone call. My mom is sick and is in the hospital. I have been waiting for this call for a while now. My mom hasn't taken care of her body in over 40 years! And, after her big car accident in 1988 (or 87??) she has refused to go see a doctor, any doctor. Double Whammy!

Based on her symptoms I have diagnosed her with Congestive Heart Failure with an underlying disease of Diabetes. I have also tossed in COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) to top it all off.

My Dad is doing his best. I have asked lots of questions and he has no answers. He doesn't have any medical education, which in my expierence, leaves people very vunerable and depending a lot on their DR's. People are afraid to ask questions because they just don't know. I think that schools, either high school or college, should offer basic medical courses and make them mandatory.

Perhaps after this stay in the hospital, will my mother take better care of herself and actually go and see a doctor once in a while?? Probably not.


Growing old sucks! I think that there are 3 options to growing old:

1) Don't! Just don't get old!
2) Stay healthy and active-you really are only as old as you think!
3) Get some basic medical education and don't be afraid to ask questions.


Your Doctor isn't GOD!

Main Staples

Here are the top four main staples of my diet:

Coffee
Cheese
Wine
Chocolate


Why four you ask? Why not 4, plus I had to really think about the 5th one and couldn't come up with a simple result.

One

One
No One
Only One?
Some One
Every One--is utimately my mentor!

But it is the

Same one

that keeps popping into my mind
when I try to think of who my mentor(s) are.

She is a Great Woman!
She is a Great Thinker!
She is a Great Artist!
She is a Great Mother!
She is a Great Person!


And she is a Great Sister!

Who Mentored YOU?

January is National Mentoring Month, and Wednesday, January 25, 2006 is the third annual Thank Your Mentor Day.

Who was your mentor when you were a child? Who is your mentor now? I am going to have to think about this one? I think it may be difficult to single out one person. But think I will and I will follow up with who my mentor is/was.

Check out this website: www.whowmentoredyou.org

Phone Voice

Today I was answering phones. I am a microbiologist but today I was essentially a secretary. Please, don't missunderstand me, I had fun and I feel that I should learn the job that I was performing today. So, to spice things up a bit I used what I call my "flight-attendant" voice to inform people that they had a telephone call. We have a building wide paging system, everyone hears it, and I received several comments:

"I enjoyed your paging today!" said the laboratory director.

"Nice seductive, sex goddess voice!" said a chemist.

"She sounds like she should be paging people in a hospital." said one coworker to another. "Perhaps a mental hospital!" said the other coworker and was relayed to me.

Tomorrow they get my French paging voice, I will speak in French!

Earth Google Style

Soooo, have you checked out Google Earth??? A rather fun little program that you can download for free or if you opt to pay for a better version. The free version has pretty good satellite pictures that are approximately 3-5 years old, I wonder what the pay version is like??? Let me know if anyone has it. Check it out:
www.googleearth.com


Oh, I have to add, if you live in an area that is really green with lots of trees, the pictures aren't too great. So, if you know someone who lives in Reno, Las Vegas, Phoenix, or places like that you will have better photos.

Thunder Thighs

Do you know how hard it is for me to find a pair of jeans that fit?? Almost every pair of jeans I own are tight in the thighs with huge gaps all around the waist, gaps big enough to insert your hand, elbow, arm and quite possibly your neck and head! One could get lost in the waistband of my pants!

I would describe myself as an average sized American woman-size 12, unless of course the latest snipet of information that I heard is true and the average size of an American woman has increased to size 14. But really, what is my pant size if the legs are too tight and the waist is too big?

And let's top things off a bit with the fact that I have a decently long inseam of 33 inches, try finding a pair of pants longer than 32. There are a few brands that offer "tall" selections, but I have seen those come in 34, 35, and I have even seen 37 inches, never 33.

Not too long ago I was in San Francisco specifically shopping for jeans (Ok, I was really there to see Green Day). I walked into a uppity up brand jean store and actually commissioned a "personal" shopper! The waif of a sales-man (yup, it was a man in the ladies section) eyes me up and down and pretty much guesses my size, hands me a couple of styles and then says "I see you are a pretty tall person and the length on these may be too short, if that is the case we can go downstairs and check out our men's styles." Of course, the legs were too tight and gaping holes around the waist and they were too short. I got the heck out of Dodge! I really don't want to be a "Man-Sized-Woman" and I will wait for the latest styles to fit my size 10 waist and size 14?? legs.

Hat Day

Well, Today I got out of bed early to hit the slopes which have been covered with some fresh powder. Finally! I put on my garb which includes a handy little item that I received for my birthday--it is called a Buff. You can check out www.buffusa.com for all the different ways that you can wear your buff, but I wore mine like a beanie; all day, I haven't taken it off and it is kinda nice not having to worry about your hair. The darn ski resort was closed, closed of all things with freshies to be had. They apparently had power problems, so we turned around went out to breakfast and then I went back to bed. A few hours, still with my hat on, I headed back out into the cold and snowy day to do some snowshoeing. I love this hat! I wonder if I could go another day without taking it off? I think I would be scared to see what is underneath if I did that.

Book Plug

I just finished reading a pretty good book and I thought I would share it with you.

Julie & Julia by Julie Powell

This is a laugh out loud kind of book, I think my husband was pretty happy that I finished it. He was getting tired of my little out bursts. Thanks Renee for sending it to me.